I am Tesseract.

I am sick being in love with him. He doesn't care. He never did. Whatever was his reason, he doesn't think of me. I need to let go and yet for some reason I can't.

I am so very sick of this. I can't figure it out. Please, help. Anyone. This is destroying me.

On a sidenote. What if I am not the stronger one? What if I am the weaker one? What if I forgive not out of a choice, but because I don't really have any choice? What if all that happened in my life just... destroyed me. Once and for all, not leaving anything shreds of dignity or willpower behind. What if all those people are right and I am... conceited, dumb, and... nonono. It is ridiculous even to write out those things. Conceited - perhaps. Dumb? Oh well, I don't think so.

This year I am wedging the war on him. This year I will not yield. This years will be the year I persuade myself that he is null and void and, really, never ever happened except for in my own mind. This year I will play with him and set a myriad of experiments on him. Tiny-tiny ones, so that save for Yegor noone notices.

And, oh Haven, this will be the year I call out Alex on his... whatever it is. This will be the year I claim all the promises my closest friends made to me.

God, I wish I still were the brutal 16 year old me. I wish I could just step over people and push them around any way I want. I wish I could punish people for going against my will as easily as I did when I was 16. God, I wish that willpower comes back to me at some point. I want to be cold-blooded.

I want to be cold-blooded again. I want not to hurt.

I am terrified I will be alone in the end. Broke and alone. There. I said it. I will deal with not being broke first, and then make all my dreams come true.

God, I want not to love him anymore. God, I want him to hurt. Hurt, and cry, and listen to that stupid "Here comes the rain again" on repeat. I wish I did not make any effort to comfort him when he was hurting those two years ago. I wish I never confided in anyone about my feelings. I wish I just can become his personal Nemesis. I wish I could honest to God make him cry. It is finally time to accept that I am angry at the person I have loved for some two years.

I hate his guts and love him, too. Simultaneously.

And I. am. pissed.